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English Jokes
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☺ "Are you washed yet?" said the mother to her young son, after he he had been in the bath for an hour.

"Oh, Ma, there's no soap."

"Haven't you got a tongue in your head?"

"Yes, but it can't reach the back of my neck."

☺ " I never get my coffee to taste right," moaned Angus." It's always too bitter or too sweet."

" How is that?"

" I like it with two lumps of sugar, you see."

"Well, then?"

"Well, when I'm at home, I just put one lump in to be economical. And when I'm out, I always take the chance to put three in."

☺ "Why do all Scots have a sense of humour?"

" Because it's free."

☺ A keen Scottish rugby supporter was watching a match against England at Murray field. Beside him was the only empty seat in the entire stadium.

"Whose seat is that?" asked the man on the other side.

"It's my wife's."

" But why isn't she here?"

"She's dead."

"Well, why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They're all at the funeral."

☺ Old Angus was taken to hospital with splinters of glass in his tongue.

" How did it happen?" asked the nurse.

Angus's tongue was too full of splinters for him to explain. Helpfully, the nurse gave him a pencil and a sheet of paper. He wrote:

" I dropped a bottle of whisky on the kitchen floor."

☺ After an open-air service, the preacher passed his hat round the scanty collection of people who had stood listening to him. It came back empty. The preacher raised his eyebrows, surveyed the gathering, then looked skyward.

" I thank Thee. O Lord," he declared," for the safe return of my hat."

☺ Father:" How many fish have you caught so far?"

Son:" If I catch another one, I'll have a big one."

☺    A: How is a man like the weather?

       B: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

☺ A: What's the difference between an angry woman and a terrorist?

       B: The terrorist is negotiable!!!!!!!!!!!!

☺ A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

     The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

☺ A woman was found guilty in a traffic court and when asked about her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

☺ Teacher: Correct the following sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field."

       Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.

       Teacher: Why?

       Student: Ladies first.

Colloquial Jokes

In the middle of the night an old maid telephoned,

"Come quickly, there's a man trying to climb into my bedroom through the window."

"You've got the wrong number. This is the fire brigade. Call the police."

"I know what I'm doing. You come at once, d'you hear? His ladder's too short."

old maid = middle-aged or old woman who has never married = spinster

☺ In the middle of the night an old maid telephoned,

"Come quickly, there's a man trying to climb into my bedroom through the window."

"You've got the wrong number. This is the fire brigade. Call the police."

"I know what I'm doing. You come at once, d'you hear? His ladder's too short."

☺ A teacher was giving her class of small children a lesson on good manners.

"Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?"

"I say pardon me."

"Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?"

"Step on the other foot to get a second one."

If you want to read some more jokes , if you want to help your students and improve their level, and at the same time enjoy your time, Click here: http://www.englishclub.com/esl-jokes/index.htm

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